phorum.is down. Probably forever Or until I get around to putting up a new one.
Until then, kracker@krackmonster.com

Really behind, so here's a big update to help get caught up.


Cargo._

The Basics:

In the far distant future, Dr. Portmann, a medical officer, signs up for a job aboard a cargo transport ship carrying construction materials in hopes of it leading to her being able to go to Rhea, the human race’s next homeworld after Earth became uninhabitable. Towards the end of their 4 year space flight she discovers the cargo as they are transporting, as well as their destination, isn’t what they were told.

One line, one point:

This low-budget Swiss futuristc film conjures the dark cold atmosphere of classic suspenseful sci-fi, but tends to lack the kind of intensity we’ve come to expect.

...or to put it simply:
"Alien" without the alien.
The Math:

 


Robogeisha._

The Basics:

A sibling rivalry between a young geisha and her younger sister erupts as the younger sister is asked by a handsome man to be a part of his highly trained army of deadly geisha assassins. To escalade her training and compete with her older sister she goes through many cybernetic upgrades, making her part geisha, part machine, all killer.

One line, one point:

To say the least, things get wacky. And I mean really wacky, to the point where it becomes an 8-year-old’s violent crayon drawing brought to life. Not as bloody and brutal as Machine Girl but has plenty of guaranteed laughs

...or to put it simply:
The absurd silliness you would expect out of a movie called 'Robogeisha'.
The Math:

 


Martyrs._

The Basics:

A little girl who had been held captive and tortured before escaping, befriends another young girl at a mental hospital where she has taken refugee. 15 years later, she hunts down and finds the people who did this to her, who seem to be an average ordinary household family, and her friend reluctantly follows her into what becomes a bloodsoaked living hell.

One line, one point:

From start to finish, Martyrs is violent, sadistic, and difficult to bear in its seemingly pointless display of brutality but in one revealing and rewarding flash, it flips itself around completely as a mind-blowing riddle that will have you guessing long after the credits end.

...or to put it simply:
Torture porn... or is it really?.
The Math:

 


Predators._

The Basics:

An American mercenary is dropped from the sky onto a strange jungle planet along with some of the most dangerous killers on Earth, including a CIA sniper, a mass murderer from death row, a Russian war hero, a Yakuza hitman, and a Mexican drug cartel enforcer. He quickly deducts that they were chosen to become hunted by a race of aliens that train themselves to become the deadliest predators in the universe.

One line, one point:

Predators was made as if none of the other Predator movies existed, drawing inspiration solely off the original 1987 action flick, making it feel like an updated version with grand improvements on the characters, action, and storyline; a return to form rather than the epic that everyone has been waiting for (Visiting the Predator homeworld is still a long ways away)

...or to put it simply:
Welcome back to the jungle.
The Math:

 


Toy Story 3._

The Basics:

The Toy Story reaches its evitable conclusion with Woody, Buzz and the rest of the toys facing abandonment as their owner Andy leaves home for college. In a panic, they choose to hitch a ride to the neighborhood day care center in an attempt to find a new life without their beloved owner.

One line, one point:

Pixar hasn’t been messing around at all with their recent animated movies, which have all become perfect classics and following suit they have made this one easily the best in the franchise that started the feature making business for them.

...or to put it simply:
Pixar knows how to make the best threequel ever.
The Math:

 


Vengeance._

The Basics:

An elderly French chef bordering on senility hires three mafia hit-men to help him avenge the deaths of his daughter and her family in Hong Kong.

One line, one point:

A blend of Eastern samurai movies, classic Westerns and modern themes surround this stylish mafia revenge flick with the intense presence of Johnny Hallyday at the center to keep the audience interested through its somewhat off-base storytelling style.

...or to put it simply:
Charles Bronson Reincarnate.
The Math:

 


The Human Centipede._

The Basics:

After defeating the enemies of the world, Tony Stark now finds not only the US government turning on him but his friends and even his own arc reactor heart, which is now poisoning his body as well as keeping him alive. To make matters worse, his public presence has made him the target of Ivan Vanko (Mickey Rourke), the vengeful son of the co-inventor of the original arc reactor, whose improvised electrical whips have drawn the interest of one of Stark’s weapon-developing competitors, Justin Hammer (Sam Rockwell).

One line, one point:

Not so much of a horror movie as it is the practice of taking an extremely bizarre idea and bringing it to life as realistically as possible. Stomach churning and morbid in the end.

...or to put it simply:
What an insane world we live in.
The Math:

 


Iron Man 2._

The Basics:

After defeating the enemies of the world, Tony Stark now finds not only the US government turning on him but his friends and even his own arc reactor heart, which is now poisoning his body as well as keeping him alive. To make matters worse, his public presence has made him the target of Ivan Vanko (Mickey Rourke), the vengeful son of the co-inventor of the original arc reactor, whose improvised electrical whips have drawn the interest of one of Stark’s weapon-developing competitors, Justin Hammer (Sam Rockwell).

One line, one point:

Iron Man 2 has a hard time finding as much action as the successful first movie since most of the film has Tony Stark trapped in a downward spiral comprised of his own self-destruction. Of course, it’s a great comic-book quality story but Marvel needs to remember that comic book movies crave some intense HD worthy action.

...or to put it simply:
Iron Man vs. Himself
The Math:

 


A Nightmare on Elm Street._

The Basics:

Remake of Wes Craven’s classic franchise-launching horror fiim about teens haunted by the horribly burnt, razor clawed, one-liner cracking, fedora wearing boogeyman Freddy Kruger who has the ability to slaughter them in their dreams.

One line, one point:

The only thing scary about this is that if it weren’t for all the randomly placed loud jumps this one really would put you…… to.. .ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz…… Sure you have the talented and creepy Jackie Earle Haley catching the torch of being Freddy Kruger but sadly the filmmakers don’t give him the personality (might as well have cast a no name) that made Freddy everyone’s favorite monster, which could have made up for the completely rehashed story with no new angle or twist (even though the ending is a nice improvement on the original) in what the filmmaker’s like to call a “re-imagining” of this legend.

...or to put it simply:
If they don't want to call it a remake, then WHY MAKE A REMAKE?
The Math:

 


Detroit Metal City._

The Basics:

A farmboy (played goofily by Ken'ichi Matsuyama aka “L” from Death Note) sets out to Tokyo to achieve his dream of becoming a J-pop singer but winds up only being able to acquire massive worldwide fame as the evil grotesque alter-ego of Johannes Krauser II, the demonic frontman for the satanic death metal band Detroit Metal City. Miserable in his dual existence made up of two polar opposite personas, he slowly learns how to use his charisma as a world-famous dark metal emperor to get what he really wants in life.

One line, one point:

“Life is METAL!” An incredibly funny and charming Troma-style live adaptation that does a great job of bringing the best parts of the anime mini-series to life and applying Metalocalypse appeal and humor as Matsuyama masquerading everywhere in his Johannes Krauser II costume is impossible not to chuckle at.

...or to put it simply:
Heavy metal is such a winner.
The Math:

 


Kick-Ass._

The Basics:

An ordinary comic book fan wonders why no one ever attempted becoming a costumed crime-fighting hero so he tries it himself, despite all bloody painful consequences of actually doing it in real life without any powers or training, and quickly gets in over his head as he gains the attention of on-lookers, villains, and fellow costumed ‘heroes’ alike.

One line, one point:

Owes everything to Matthew Vaughn’s faithfulness to the brutality and risqué nature of Mark Millar comic as well as the huge boost from the show-stealing ultra-violent HitGirl but because it only touches on the theme of what it really means to be a superhero as well as the massive potential the story has yet to offer…

...or to put it simply:
No other movie is more demanding of a kick-ass sequel.
The Math:

Weird movie of the week...


I.K.U._

The Basics:

Reiko is a female shape-shifting replicant in future Tokyo assigned with the task of acquiring sexual experience data from various partners for the purposes of her owner corporation’s usage of the data towards their new system offering simulated sex to their customers. Secretly she hopes by completing her mission she will gain her freedom.

One line, one point:

Movie begins with an obvious reference to Blade Runner via an opening shot of someone tripping over a piece of origami on the floor, but don’t expect to take this seriously as a stark commentary on love and sex in the future, which it could very well be, if it wasn’t a pinku flick. So instead it’s more of a weird trip into Japanese sci-fi fantasy that breaks away for distracting prolonged sex scenes which makes for a strangely entertaining background that Tetsuo-fans can put on.

...or to put it simply:
Erotica for cyberpunks.
The Math:

 

 

Best movie to watch on Blu-Ray....


Avatar._

The Basics:

A paraplegic marine lands on the planet of Pandora, where vast fuel resources reside under the land of the inhabiting alien natives, and is assigned with the task of teaming up with scientists, who have developed a way to plug their minds into the bodies of the planet’s native Navi, and using the ability as one of the Navi to gather strategic intelligence for his superiors. As he infiltrates the Navi way of life, he questions his mission as the marines come closer to executing full scale invasion.

One line, one point:

So looks like James Cameron finally learned how to make a movie. Not only is Avatar the most visually intense and intricate film ever made, with so much to look at that HD is mandatory, it doesn’t have that James Cameron cheese that has plagued his career, even if the story itself isn’t quite as chiseled as the world of Pandora. A powerfully promising filmmaking milestone to end the decade.

...or to put it simply:
So, yeah, this is the most amazing s#it I've ever seen.
The Math:

 


[REC] 2._

The Basics:

A videotape equipped SWAT team is sent into a quarantined apartment building to investigate the cause and possible solution to a viral outbreak that has been contained within, but the mission seems doomed when they become overrun by the infected zombies that still lurk inside. Picking up right where the first one left off, the SWAT teams’ own videotape documents what went wrong.

One line, one point:

The directors of [Rec] know not to mess with a great formula but instead use it as a basis, as well as great setup, for an Aliens-caliber sequel that keeps the energy going and integrates seamlessly with the first movie as if production on the previous movie just kept on going.

...or to put it simply:
SWAT Vs. Zombies... GO!
The Math:

History time....


Citizen Kane._

The Basics:

Upon the death of the nation’s most controversial tycoon, journalists go through his life story, told through the perspectives of key figures in his life, in order to discover the meaning behind his single final dying word.

One line, one point:

The greatest movie ever made? More like the most important film ever made to the film institutes that dubbed it the greatest. So what is Citizen Kane to us really? Well, with it many special effects, story-telling methods, deep multi-layer characters, photographic techniques, all of which are original to Kane (and would resonate in movies to this date) due to director and star Orson Welles having complete creative control over every frame, against all Hollywood and social opposition, making it..

...or to put it simply:
The first motion picture to think outside the box.
The Math:

 


Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland._

The Basics:

A grown-up teenage Alice returns to Wonderland and allies herself with the Mad Hatter in order to help him and his fellow friends face-off against the Queen of Hearts, who, in her absence, has waged ruin upon the dreamworld from her childhood.

One line, one point:

Visually, this is Tim Burton’s greatest achievement and ranks up there with Avatar in terms of amazing artistic detail, but the story lags horribly behind, the script doesn’t do the characters justice and Tim making the Mad Hatter such a central character, just to give more screentime to his star Johnny Depp, doesn’t help things. Despite the heart it lacks, everyone's gotta love that this is essentially....

...or to put it simply:
Every awesome eyecandy wallpaper brought to life...
The Math:

 


The Crazies._

The Basics:

A sheriff of a small town discovers the local drinking water has become contaminated by an unknown toxin shortly after several townfolk turn into homicidal zombies. Instantly, the rest of the town becomes hopelessly infected as the military moves in to contain the epidemic, at all costs, leaving the few left sane with the impossible chance of escaping alive. Remake of the George A. Romero’s 1973 original.

One line, one point:

As far as remakes go, it’s up there a notch above recents like The Hills Have Eyes, but performs a balancing act between delivering the crowd-pleasing outrageous action horror which gives the memorable splatterflicks like Dawn of the Dead their DVD replay value, and the typical drawn out and now predictable “jumping” scenes, which are something the genre is destined to evolve away from.

...or to put it simply:
The suspense really IS killing us.
The Math:

 


Daybreakers._

The Basics:

Set in the future where a decade-old vampire outbreak has done the inevitable: resulted in a world almost completely populated by vampire with very few humans left to feed on. One hematologist (Ethan Hawke) searching for a solution of the worldwide blood shortage threatening to rip society as they know it apart, senses the eventual extinction and is recruited by a band of surviving humans who have stumbled upon an unconventional cure… 

One line, one point:

Gory, violent, and entertaining enough but the problem with such a huge and original idea is no movie does it justice because you'll wind up lusting more for excursions deeper into this post-apocalyptic world dominated by vampires and the struggle between them and the human rebels. Really, this should have been a whole HBO series.

...or to put it simply:
Vampires + social commentary = The REAL future.
The Math:

 

So this movie might wind up beating Avatar for Best Picture.


The Hurt Locker._

The Basics:

A month in the life of Sergeant First Class William James (Jeremy Renner) who joins Bravo Company in post-invasion Iraq to do what he does best: neutralizing the primary method of attack by insurgents on US soldiers and civilians known as Improvised Explosive Devices or IEDs. James has top skills and honors when it comes to disarming bombs amidst the urban combat but it doesn’t do much when dealing with all the aspects of hellish war that surround him constantly.

One line, one point:

A powerful honest look into war that goes on in Iraq without all the politics we see in such past films like Full Metal Jacket, Platoon, or Generation Kill. What it lacks in entertaining action it makes up for in grittiness and intricate detail when it comes to describing daily military life in the most controversial historical event of our days, making it one of the most relevant movies of the decade.

...or to put it simply:
The reigning Modern Warfare movie champion.
The Math:

 

 

 

krackmonster.